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Subject: [atFAQ 2/2] Encyclopedia Horribilis and Tasteless Phrase Book
This article was archived around: 18 Nov 2005 05:36:48 GMT
Disclaimer: Contains dirty words, foul thinking. You are hereby warned.
---THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK---
This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people new
to the net in general and alt.tasteless in particular.
:-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to
penetrate. Figures like this one are used when people have
just said something naughty, sort of a "Know what I mean
know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no
*[word]*: Asterisks are used either for *emphasis*, or to
indicate that it's a sound... like, *plop* *plop* *plop*
("Buaah, I want to die because I'm a spastic").
AKA: Also Known As.
AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head).
Runs horizontally above the urethra and has origins in
APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or
sometimes through the shaft of the penis, just behind the
glans. Mentioned in the original Kama Sutra.
ASAP: As Soon As Possible.
ASSWIPING: Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back
with their right hand, usually sitting, leaning invitingly
to the left. All look at the paper after the wipe, and some
taste and kiss it.
AT: Short for 'alt.tasteless'. 'ATer' refers to an
BEARS: Persons, usually male, whose physical
characteristics tend toward the husky and hirsute.
CHOAD: Prick. Cock. Dick. ManTool. Vibrating snotmonster.
One-eyed trouser snake. You get the idea. A long-neglected
and abused synonym for "penis," the word "choad" dates back
a good long time.
According to The Jargon File 4.0.0: "This term is alleged
to have been inherited through 1960s underground comics,
and to have been recently sighted in the Beavis and
Butthead cartoons. Speakers of the Hindi, Bengali and
Gujarati languages have confirmed that `choad' is in fact
an Indian vernacular word equivalent to `fuck'; it is
therefore likely to have entered English slang via the
Anyway, it was kept barely alive somehow, and has achieved
a well-deserved resurrection and re-erection in AT. The
tireless literary antics of David Garrett
(firstname.lastname@example.org) and Adam Thornton (email@example.com)
have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to
its full turgid glory. Beavis and Butthead have been known
to use the word "choad" and the more common compound noun
"choadsmoker" to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The
next time you're about to casually toss off a reference to
a "willy," a "wankie," a "dick," a "Throbbing PleasureProng
(TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a "schlong,"
think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead.
Become a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the
choad to once again roam the vocabularies of the world, its
head held proudly erect.
A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found
on an unwashed scrotum.
CHURD: A fecal dildo.
CUNT: A cunt by any other name, would smell as rank. Cunt is
"Vittu" [v!too] in Finnish, and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in
Cree. The Germans yell "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal
circumstances, and "MOse" when they want to indicate that
the cunt in question is slightly smaller, a little pinker
and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound.
DARWIN: A person who through stupidity or otherwise
kills him/herself intentionally or unintentionally before
he/she has had a chance to reproduce; or, the event in which
such winnowing of the gene pool occurs. From
"In his seminal work, "The Origin of Species," Charles Darwin
presented evidence that species evolve over time to fit their
environment better . . . . Consider that there are three
requirements for evolution to occur. First, a species must show
diversity . . . . Second, there must be a selective pressure
working . . . . Third, the trait must be inheritable . . . . .
The stories on this website, which range from the sublimely
ironic to the pathetically stupid, display examples of trial
and (fatal) error that vividly illustrate evolution in all its
DOGS: Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the
fecal matter of almost any other mammal, they are also
pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks. It might be a
profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat
these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their
puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar
with shitting and vomiting in the living room. The life of
a canine is one long party.
DRUG: A recommendation: Take all, and in as large
quantities as possible. We especially recommend Dimethyl
Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and reform your
DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous
cancerous lesions in rats." The official warning continues:
"Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g.
odor, irritation). Delayed appearance of symptoms may
permit unnoticed exposure to lethal quantities. Liquid
produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapors,
after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe
inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory
tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary damage may result.
Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delirium,
paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart
with ensuing death in severe cases" "Have a big night on
DMS and come home in a bucket."
DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a
prickly rind. Comes from an East Indian tree, who shall
DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually
done on the side of the head and often in pairs. This
piercing was originally done by Jewish men who wished to
enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill
of shit found nesting in the bowl of clogged toilets.
FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum
and arsehole belongs to is up to your imagination and
health standards. If you have trouble reaching, use a
FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the
underside just behind the glans. Often a large ring that
circles the penis under the ridge of the glans is worn
through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the
anus and the scrotum. A weight is often suspended from a
GROGAN: A piece of shit.
HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally
done to Arab boys as a rite of passage.
HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheep's paunch
with ground intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
IMHO: In My Hog-fucking Opinion.
JOKES: Alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the
short jokes. Rec.humor has the _Canonical List of [rude,
mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.]_ jokes. Ask them. Or get
them from our ftp site (details somewhere below).
KAKA-SUTRA: Affectionate name for _The Canonical List of
Tasteless Sex Acts_.
LJBF: "Let's Just Be Friends." Sentence usually uttered by
girl when offered a good squicking.
MOTSS: Member of The Same Sex.
NAMBLA: The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a
civil rights/political organization. They support
CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help educate
society about the nature of such relationships. NAMBLA
publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by
first class mail to its members. (It includes news, feature
articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)
They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted
alt.tastelessers take note, this might be your way to
fame), books and other material (all of which are strictly
ObT: Short for "ObTasteless". 'Ob' means 'obligatory,' and
you usually append an ObTasteless at the end of your post
if it hasn't been sufficiently tasteless.
OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience
during a very good shit.
PRINCE ALBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes
through the urethra and out behind the glans.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoral hood.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphincter licking.
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an
SD: Sperm Donor. See below.
SHART: A fart where shit comes out. Obviously if you turn up
the ratio of shit to fart, you have a mere typical shit,
instead of a shart. Thus it is something of a judgment call
as to where the shart stops and the shit begins. Use your best
judgment on this.
SHIT: The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and
urobilin, which are derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a
main constituent of bile, is derived from breakdown
products of dead red blood cells, specifically the toxic
parts of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules. That's
why athletes on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck
up the liver so it can't throw the toxic stuff into the
feces where it belongs.
The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial
action; these vary from one person to another, depending on
each person's colonic bacterial flora and on the type of
food eaten. The actual odoriferous products include indole,
skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide. Eating lots of
fat will give you the nastiest smelling shits if you make
sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of
pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a
sure winner among scatological connaisseurs.
There's a place here for a discussion of Olestra. As you
probably know, Olestra is an indigestable fat substitute
found in some low-fat snack foods. There's a lot of
information about it on the Web. In some people, Olestra
engenders impressive flatulation:
"On the second day I noticed a larger than normal amount of
gas building up inside my colon. I would have to squeeze it
out with a painful bubble popping feeling. The smell was
unique. Me being a champion gas passer thought I had
smelled it all.... No this was new.... sweet backed up
sewer smell in a hot thick impermeable cloud." (quote from
jesses at texas.net)
Olestra is my Shepherd;
I shall not digest.
It maketh me lie down on
It leadeth me beside the still cesspool.
It restoreth my stool; It leadeth
me in the paths of cow pies
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
clouds of methane, I will light no match; for Thou
fart with me; thy turd and thy shit they
Thou preparest a toilet before me
in the presence of mine excreta;
Thou annointest my head with soil;
my pants runneth over. Surely
odor and moistness shall follow
me all the days of my life; and I
shall dwell in the smallest room
of the house of the Lord forever.
SMEGMA: A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the
foreskin and the glans of the penis of male mammals. Having
smelt it few have the nerve to coat their tongue with it or
swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk
(except the cheese made from dingo's milk).
SO: Significant Other, will generally mean your loved one.
SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN: A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in
the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer women who did not wear
undergarments common until the nineteenth century. A
sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not
washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat,
smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it
reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose
and drop from under the woman's skirt. Contemporary
writings, including those of Pepys and Boswell, mention men
employed in London churches to sweep up sootikins after
services. There even exists one scurrilous account, from
an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being al-
legedly found under or suspiciously close to Queen Anne's
chair in St Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving
Service for the end of the War of the Spanish Succession.
SPERM DONOR: Self-explanatory. The male from which the spooge
spews. Not always human. Often abbreviated "SD."
SPLINTH: Split-stream pissing caused by dried spooge,
menstrual juices, or STD drippings across the opening of
SPOO-TOY: Provider of spooge. Usually male;
not always human. Usually abbreviated 'SD'.
SPOOGE RECEPTACLE: Recipient of spooge. Not always female;
occasionally human. Usually abbreviated 'SR'.
SQUICKING: The practice one takes up when skull fucking
becomes tedious. Skull fucking is the easiest of the two
acts, as you only have to remove your partners eye to get
somewhere to stick your thingie. A proper squicking
requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your
partners skull) and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the
gap between the two hemispheres is said to provide you with
firestorming orgasms. The variations are of course endless.
The guru in this field is Geoff Miller (firstname.lastname@example.org).
But please do only contact him in expert matters concerning
squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
'Squick' is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond
ones limits' in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes
experience people using the word (i.e.: "That article
really squicked me" or, "He squicked my arsehole.")
SR: Spooge Receptacle or Sperm Receptacle. See above.
TANGO UNIFORM: Tits Up, i.e., dead.
TITS UP: Dead.
TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT).
Known as "golden, creamfilled, and ready to be eaten."
(Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with
these same properties.)
UNCLE CHUCK: Charles Darwin. See "DARWIN," above.
URINE: ...can, just as shit, be perceived by all 5 senses
and the special 6th bodily fluid sense that the old time
alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops. We will therefore not
go into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather
the info will concern its sterility; can we safely drink
it? Yes, we can. Why drink pee then?
The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine
in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which
is a hormone produced by the epiphyse during the night.
Apart from having a soothing and pain-killing effect
melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has
slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as a
feeling of well-being and refreshment.
How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a
number of things, the most important being the
concentration of waste products in this wine for gods. If
you drink someone's urine after they've had a sixpack, your
kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste
products, but it may not then have the desired taste /
smell / consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
drink a lot of water after your pee-games.
The most famous pee-drinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi.
His mornings would start with him emptying his potty in a
good swig, allegedly for 'The health of the spirit.' Truly
the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister Morarji Desai
followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning
when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders
that had conversations with him on mornings where he had
forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the
pee-drinking habits of the current Indian prime minister.
Oh, and while we're at it, don't eat asparagus before
drinking your pee. Asparagus has an amino acid in it that
makes your yellow drops smell horribly, as well as changing
the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of
that, Savage Pisser/Skinhead John (squicker at servtech.com)
is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him
anything wee wee related you like. He'll be happy to help
VEGEMITE: ... Can be bought in some health stores and isn't
really the canned stool sample that rumour claim it is.
Here are some first hand experiences with the edible caca:
"I too have had Vegemite. I found a stock in a 'health
food' store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5
calories per serving." It has an odd, purply-brown color,
and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The 'axle-grease'
association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on
_very_ thinly. I think it looks like a substance from my
native land called 'catfish dough bait,' only said bait is
a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a
thick, liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a
compound of mud, blood and pureed liver. On a hot day,
opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply could
give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to
believe that Marmite has a stronger, more vicious taste
"Vegemite has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of
the yeast extract, it tends to come back to you later, in
belches. It's also one of those foods with such a peculiar
taste that no matter what you eat afterwards, Vegemite is
the taste that sticks with you."
"It is very strong, try a little, then impress
your friends with what looks like eating slabs of bread
wiped in black excrement."
"Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that
Marmite is the only real yeast extract worth eating.
Vegemite is for wimps, while Marmite is for real men. It
has a much stronger, more vicious aftertaste than
Ingredients: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is
left over after the beer brewing process), sea salt,
potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color, natural
flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.
Serving size: 3.25 gram; Servings per container: 35.
Cheese and Vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia
that the manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese &
Vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour, and very nice
between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)
ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a
short time was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par
will. Ho ho!). "Vegemite" was the result of a renaming
contest in the 30s (?). Let it also be known that Vegemite
is available in 99% of Australian shops that stock spreads.
I.e., if the shop has jam, honey or peanut butter, then it
almost certainly has Vegemite as well.
VOMIT-STALACTITE: AKA Stalactovomite: the result of puking
on the ceiling.
YEAST: ...Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal
yeast infections are a riot. The infection occurs when the
usual healthy balance between the yeast and the bacteria in
the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this
balance. The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus
acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt.
The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
started when a group of yeast-infected women could think of
nothing better than to walk like crabs, and using their
vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each other.
A man too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive
organ, especially if he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast
infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's warm, it's
moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast
infections usually shows up after some days of hefty
wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish-radish. If you're
not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with hospital
soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores
that'll itch more and more. Before good soap was invented
the cure was to hold the foreskin closed when pissing until
it was bloated with piss as a frog's airbag is bloated with
air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff
in the urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast
infections: For the biggest effect do the Macbeth routine
and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets completely
dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds
and produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance
right again. This is good, but if you relentlessly roll the
foreskin back and forth while you fondle the back of your
testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will
suddenly come out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and
repeat until all skin has been peeled off the radish.
--QUALITY CONTROL DIVISION--
--ALT TASTELESS INDUSTRIES--