Subject: The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ list (Part 3 of 4)

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All FAQs posted in: soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, alt.sex.bondage
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Archive-name: soc-subculture/bondage-faq/part3
Last-modified: 20 August 1997
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Copyright: (c) 1992-1997 Rob Jellinghaus
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The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ List
Where the kinky knowledge resides!
Part 3 of 4

This list is posted monthly, on or around the 11th.
Last-modified: 20 August 1997
Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to robj@unrealities.com
If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me, also.

The World Wide Web version of this FAQ is at
        http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm
Please make links to this page, rather than posting separate
Web copies of the text of this FAQ.

This FAQ list is copyrighted.  The full copyright notice appears at
the end of each part of the list; please respect it.
 
*Introduction* Soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
is a Usenet discussion group, or newsgroup, about various topics
including sex and bondage. This FAQ list is my set of answers to some of
the most common questions in that group. You may find it interesting
whether or not you've encountered s.s.b-b itself.
This document contains explicit sexual information. If you do not wish
to view such information, I advise you to skip this document. If you
believe this document itself is obscene, I ask you to read my response
to question 20. Check out what's new with the FAQ!
There is an online {http://www.st.rim.or.jp/~tku/ASBFAQ/faq.html}
Japanese translation of the FAQ! Thanks very much to the translators!
There is also an online
{http://www.webcom.com/wunibald/asb_faq/index.html} German translation!
Not only that, there's an {http://www.nsm.it/smack!/italian/asbfaq.htm}
Italian translation too! Not being fluent in any of those languages, I
can't vouch for the accuracy, but that's OK with me. Any other
translators out there? Books could be and are being written about these
questions; remember, this is a thumbnail FAQ list. If you learn
anything from this list, hopefully it will be how many questions there
are to ask, and how much there is to learn! If you're concerned or
curious about issues that you feel are breezed over here, see the very
end of this FAQ for a list of wonderful books and sources of more
information. And if you want more ideas or discussion about anything,
well, what else is soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm for?

*The FAQs Themselves*
PART 1:
 1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
 2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?

 3. What is a "safeword"?  4. When is pain not pain?
 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?

 6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom?  7. How can I learn to be a
good top?  8. How can I learn to be a good bottom?
 9. Why is bondage fun? 10. Why is whipping fun?
11. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?
12. What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What
are "bloodsports"? 13. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to
make someone pass out?
14. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?

15. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it? 16. What is "fisting"?
17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway?
18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?
19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
PART 3:
20. Why am I defending SM? 21. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM
people abused?

22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical,
or unhealthy? 23. Isn't the bottom always in control?
24. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave? 25. What are the
"codes"? 26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?

27. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?

28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?

29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff? 30. Are SM people being
politically and socially harassed?

31. Aren't there too many different topics on s.s.b-b?
PART 4:
32. I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also,
what's with all these ads? 33. I don't have access to
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the
scene? 34. What are some books/magazines/organizations/stores/news
archives where I can get SM information or toys, or meet people in the
scene?

*FAQs about the FAQs* Some simple questions, answered simply.

o What about the alt.sex.bondage FAQ? Alt.sex.bondage was the first
Usenet BDSM newsgroup. It is currently overrun by advertising (as is all
the alt.sex hierarchy). When soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm came about, I
asked if I could convert the a.s.b FAQ (which I wrote) to the s.s.b-b
FAQ, and people said "sure!", and I never did it. Until now. The a.s.b
FAQ is now merely a reference to this one. I'm delighted to see how much
of the "a.s.b-of-old" feeling s.s.b-b has recaptured. (Now I have much
more of a life than I did then, which is basically why this FAQ has
slipped... hope I haven't let the community down too badly by doing so
much realtime pervery rather than virtual....) o How long have you been
running the FAQ? Since 1991. I've gotten a lot of thanks and suggestions
in that time, and I hope to make more time to work on the guts of this
FAQ, which is still (to my knowledge) the best free reference about SM
on the entire Internet. (If I'm wrong about this, please let me know
which sites are better, so I can add links to them!)

*The Appendices*

The appendices are available on the World Wide Web version of this 
FAQ, {http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm}

*Thanks for reading!* Hope you learned something! Remember, your
sexuality is wonderful; treasure it and nourish it!

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 31 July 1997
=======================================================================
*20. Why am I defending SM?*

One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it. Our
culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's limits
in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to do. Moreover, there
are lots of peoplpe who confuse fantasy and reality where SM is
concerned, and who think that SM players do likewise.

In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I and my
friends feel about SM. I am doing this because I used to know very
little about SM; I only knew I was interested. Through s.s.b-b and lots
of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned. My life has
been enriched and my relationships deepened and strengthened by my
experience with SM. Now I want to describe all that in as open and frank
a manner as I know how.

If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, that is your prerogative. This
FAQ makes clear how it is not generally unhealthy to its practitioners;
it is up to you whether you accept this information or not. You do not,
however, have the right to stifle or censor those who would discuss this
aspect of themselves, because of your personal opinion about their
practices.

If you don't think you'd like it, that's more than fine with me; I would
just ask that you be open to what the SM community may have to teach
about consensuality, negotiation, safety, and exploration.

When I first started fantasizing about SM-related activities I was very
young indeed--under ten years old. I don't know where these aspects of
my sexuality came from; certainly not from my family. But when I started
learning about SM, I was first excited that there were others out there
who enjoy these things, and then depressed that there is lots of wrong
and harmful information out there about SM people and what we do. This
FAQ list is my attempt to help spread some better information, in the
hopes that the more everyone knows about what SM really is (and what it
is not), the harder it will be for people to use twisted facts to
condemn others because of their sexuality.

Also, there are things I'm describing that I don't enjoy (at least not
yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it as such;
listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions. And fer pete's sake,
post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm with your questions and thoughts and
fantasies and dreams; the blood of s.s.b-b is always freshened by new
posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 11 August 1995
=======================================================================
*21. Is SM degrading or abusive?  Were most SM people abused?*

Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their
mind.  The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless
master.  The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves
no better.  These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse,
do not reflect the reality of consensual SM.

First, were SM people abused as children?  This is a common stereotype.
Straw polls of people on s.s.b-b seem to indicate no particular pattern
of abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of
the question.  Some people see an increased correlation, but there is
little actual evidence.

This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression
of SM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really
damaged as a kid."  Similar claims were once widely made about
homosexuals and homosexuality.  (As one data point, I personally wasn't
abused as a child, for which I'm grateful.  And I'm very into various
aspects of SM, for which I'm also grateful.)  In general, in fact, no
one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy SM behaviors or
fantasies, and others don't.  Rather like no one really knows what
determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of
anything else where human sexuality is concerned.  The notion of a
"normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is
incredible.

Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what
they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful
expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the
ordinary.  True SM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true
degradation is _not_.  Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an
all-important difference.

Occasional debates on s.s.b-b revolve around the (relatively few) people
who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships.  Such
relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see
that both partners are benefiting and growing.  Sometimes the claim is
made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to
break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the
submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the
submissive's own opinion) deserves no better.  (This is essentially what
a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's
self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price
to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due.  And
moreover, she is not to complain.)

This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the
dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits
of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's
personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship
that both enjoy and desire.  Such relationships almost always contain an
"escape clause," such that if the bottom is truly feeling deprived or
abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside and talk with the top
as equals.  (In other words, a relationship safeword.)  Such concern for
clear communication when things don't go well (as well as when they do)
is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM relationship.  And every text I have
read about long-term BDSM relationships stresses the importance of
emotional safety issues.  (As I mentioned previously, people who have
issues around their sense of self should be aware that SM is potentially
risky in that area.  Of course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky
for such people....)

Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously
affirming.  SM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply
than you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to fantasies you
never imagined could come true.  This kind of active, dynamic
self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem and the
psychological well-being of both partners.  Getting what you want out of
your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can sure help a lot.  I
recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the end of the FAQ, to
people exploring these issues.

(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever
_really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can
say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of
many of my friends, and many professional therapists acknowledge that
it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual relationship to be
very psychologically healthy.  Decide for yourselves whether we are to
be believed.)

Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality
in general.  The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently
revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to
talk about _anything_ related to sex.  Yet without understanding these
concepts, it's hard to understand SM.  Everyone who first looks at SM
needs to do some amount of pushing past their prejudices; for some it's
harder than for others.

Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves feminists.
Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to
anyone else, ever?  Personally, I believe (and _many_ women on s.s.b-b
agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their _own_
choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas
about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that
light, it makes little difference whether the limiting ideas are those
of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticizing
SM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the writer are attacking womens'
right to do as _they_ choose.

At this point I want to include some material sent out by the
Leather/Fetish Celebration committee about abuse in the SM community.
This is valuable stuff for anyone interested in distinguishing
consensual SM from abuse; while no list of questions can substitute for
personal inquiry and knowledge of the people involved, this list is at
least thought-provoking.  (There is no consent-o-meter to determine
whether someone is consenting to SM behavior; the best we poor humans
can do is look at situations on a case-by-case basis.)

Thanks, Leonard.

    The Celebration Wants You to Know About...  Domestic Violence
    in the S/M Community

          Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet,
    abusive
    relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with
    all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused
    persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may
    hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection
    or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic
    battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed
    public response to this serious social problem.

          Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular
    group within
    the s/m community.  A person's size, gender, or particular sex
    role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject
    to abuse.

          Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over
    time.
    It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of
    dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his
    consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse
    in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.

          Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a
    person
    to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are
    physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.

          Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically
    hurt
    you outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against
    your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?

<BLOCKQUOTE>  Are you afraid of your partner?
</BLOCKQUOTE>

     Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and
    forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is
    not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an
    absence of safe words or understandings. Has she or he ever violated
    your limits?  Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either
    the top or bottom?  Does your partner constantly criticize your
    performance, withhold sex as a means  of control, or ridicule
    you for the limits you set?  Do you feel obligated to have sex?
     Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
     Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
     Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? Has
    your partner abused or threatened your children?

          Does your partner limit access to work or material
    resources?
    Has he  or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?

          Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one
    another?

          Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot
    of
    emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly
    criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your
    self-esteem? Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up
    anger and frustration? Do you feel that you can't discuss with
    your partner what is bothering you?

         No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible
    for
    the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.
     There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or
    feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources.
    If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters,
    support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis
    lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls.
    Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends
    and family in case of an emergency.

          Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and
    options.
    You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you
    through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order.
    You do not need a lawyer.

          We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does
    exist
    in the s/m-leather-fetish community.  We can make it clear that
    we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand
    that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own
    choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors
    to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing
    and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to
    seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering.
    Support changes in that person's behavior.

         Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing
    domestic
    violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print
    up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive.
    Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle;
    encourage their appropriate intervention.

          Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions
    about
    domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather,
    s/m, or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is
    currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters,
    and therapists, and information on understanding and using the
    law. Write to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project,
    National Leather Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco,
    CA 94114; or call the NLA at 415/863-2444, or email nlaintl@netcom.com

         Posted by ixion@dorsai.dorsai.org, from the program of the
    Int'l
    S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; Text provided by Jan Hall.  The
    Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction
    and redistribution of this information.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
=======================================================================
*22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical,
or unhealthy?*

If what I've been saying in this FAQ is accurate, then why haven't more
people heard this?  Why are the prevailing images of SM so negative?

There is no doubt that they _are_ negative.  Not long ago I was informed
that there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police department
who believe that soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is "a textbook on how to
torture women for sexual pleasure.  It's obscene."  Said police were
considering how to deal with s.s.b-b on obscenity grounds.  In England
in 1991, a group of gay men who had gathered for an SM play party in
which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and charged with
battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing exactly what they
were doing, and WANTED to be doing it.  Consensual SM is illegal in
England.  How can this be?

The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent.  The
difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on
the street is the difference between sex and rape.  If everyone involved
agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime.  If they do not, then it
is.  This distinction is not in principle difficult to understand, and
being involved in SM makes it very clear.  SM practitioners are _more_
familiar with consent issues than most, and as such are _less_ likely to
commit crimes of the sort that people confuse with SM.  And NONE of the
material in this FAQ advocates ANY kind of nonconsensual, criminal
behavior.

Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may
and may not legally consent to do.  I believe that consenting adults
should be free to do as they wish in the privacy of their homes. There
are many who don't believe this is acceptable.  It serves them to
confuse the issue by claiming "SM people are sadistic rapists" when in
fact we are nothing of the sort.  Criminalizing consensual sexual
activities (sodomy, SM, even prostitution) is an old tradition, but in
my view, an unjustifiable one.

This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on SM
and related practices.  Almost all the books written about SM and other
alternative practices in this century have been written by psychologists
and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almostall have
portrayed SM as a dangerous practice, indulged in only by "unhealthy"
individuals.  The reason?  Healthy individuals weren't the subjects
being studied; rather, the subjects were all seeking psychological
treatment from the authors of the books!  The "studies" completely
ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy people who were also into SM.
 It's easy to conclude SM is harmful when your only experience is with
psychologically maladjusted SM people, and when you aren't interested in
presenting a balanced view (as few authors are--psychologists can be as
sexually judgmental as anyone).

More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in
opinion about SM.  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric
Conditions is a document produced by the American Psychiatric
Association.  The DSM-III, published in the late '80s, classified
"sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as disorders for which treatment
was recommended.  The APA, in the DSM-IV, reclassified SM as _not_
necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the SM produces
clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to death,
serious injury, or disability.  The DSM-IV is recognition by the
theraputic community that SM can be practiced in a psychologically
healthy way.

As for "natural": people have practiced SM behaviors throughout history.
 Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of the Lord.
Using intense sensation to reach altered states of mind is a practice as
old as humanity itself--and hence can be considered in no way
"unnatural".

Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the different. If
you don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous.  People into SM
don't fit the mold.  This is why there is such pressure to remain
anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs, partners, children,
and liberty by having their sexual preferences revealed to their
community.  This stems from the same source: lack of understanding of
what we do and why, and lack of respect for what is different.

Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into SM.  (Most
people, in fact.)  There's nothing at all wrong with not being into SM,
or with not wanting to be exposed to people who do various forms of SM;
many people have emotional issues with some kinds of SM activities and
may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them.  These people should
clearly avoid SM (and probably should avoid
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm).  I would hope, however, that even these
people would manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to SM,
and learn how SM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.

Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy.
The argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to
giving away your essential right to self-determination, which must be
considered an unqualified evil.  Moreover, there is no doubt that many
social evils--wars, abusive relationships, et al.--derive from one group
of people seeking power over another; therefore, the argument proceeds,
it is always wrong thusly to seek power.

 In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses
to give some of their power over to another, because they trust that
other to use that power wisely.  Examples include entering the Army
(which regulates your life for the duration of your service); getting
married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of your  personal
autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of how to spend
your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during which your top
has authority over what goes on).  All these power exchanges are
mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop being
beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.

People whose moral codes state that all power exchange--consensual or
otherwise--is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM.  Certainly
such people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as
immoral.  Short of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see
how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral than a stint
in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage.  As for me,
I believe that in a free society, morality requires permitting each
citizen to make his or her own choices of how to live, and how to
express themselves, including sexually.  Sexual rights are human rights.
If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital part of
what it is to be human.

These issues are very controversial, even now.  In the 1992 Oregon state
ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which contained
the following paragraph:

"State, regional, and local government and their departments, agencies,
and other entities, including specifically the State Department of
Higher Education and the public schools, shall assist in setting a
standard for Oregon's youth that recognizes homosexuality, pedophilia,
sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and perverse and
that these behaviors are to be discouraged and avoided."

Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural.
All three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people
enjoy.  They are not for everyone, but nor should everyone be told that
they are for no one.  Note also how this measure seeks to confuse the
issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together with
pedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally nonconsensual.
(It is not my intent to enter here into the debate over whether children
are ever capable of fully consenting to sexual acts.  Suffice it to say
that whether they can or not has no bearing on the fact that adults
_can_ consent to SM play.)  Legislating what consenting adults may and
many not do in private is neither healthy nor democratic.

(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how SM is
entering the mainstream.  Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie _Body of
Evidence_, and the movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of this trend.
Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to express their
love as _they_ choose--so long as it's consensual!)

The most extreme forms of SM come closest to the line between consent
and non-consent.  Most SM people have established safewords which they
will use if need be, though if they've known their partners for long,
that's rather seldom.  Some people, though, do play without
safewords--whether because they know their partners well enough to stay
within their partners' limits and read their partners' responses, or
because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape clause. This
latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual
non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally
cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do.  This is very advanced
SM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and introspection, and
even then is hazardous.  Not many people do this, or want to, but some
people do, and find it exhilarating and uplifting.  More info is
available on s.s.b-b or in some of the references... or on s.s.b-b
itself, which is one of the best places in the world to hear a myriad of
voices speak out about their individual ways of doing and living SM.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
=======================================================================
*23. Isn't the bottom always in control?*

One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality.  Everything in
SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's
choice to allow the top to _be_ in control.  And since most of the time
the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows
that, isn't the bottom really in control?

Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene".  The
bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual SM.  But the top can go a
long way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the
bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom
as the top pleases.  One friend of mine, for instance, takes great
pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her breasts bound and her
hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail, then putting
her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her mouth.  She has
no choice but to suck it until he comes.  Which of them is "in control"?
 Both of them would say that he is, and both of them are getting off on
that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much.

Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can agree
to endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then (say) tie
the bottom tightly and tease to the point of orgasm.  A particular
activity in SM can be enjoyable for its own sake, or because it's a
favorite sensation of yours, or because it turns your partner on so much
to do it to you or with you, or because you want to endure it out of
pure stubborn pride.  The paradox of control can take many forms.

As mentioned previously, some especially intense players may negotiate
scenes during which the bottom _cannot_ opt out.  This sort of play is
definitely in the minority, but it is nonetheless possible to consent to
giving up your ability to withdraw consent.  These scenes are sharply
bounded by mutual agreement between both partners, and must be
accompanied by much discussion, before and after the scene.  And if the
bottom later feels like the scene went bad, the negotiation should be
redoubled before the next scene, if any.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*24. Can someone "really" be someone else's slave?*

This is the last question in another guise.  Is it possible for there to
be consensual non-consensuality?  That is, can someone agree to be in a
situation from which they cannot escape, and to live that way?

This topic can inspire flame wars, as follows: historical slavery was
totally non-consensual and enforced by the state; at the worst of times,
the life of a slave was in the master's hands.  Our society today does
not recognize such an arrangement.  Does this mean that someone cannot
truly become someone else's slave, as society would always permit the
slave to back out?  Or is true slavery possible as a bond between one
person and another, regardless of society?  You expect an answer in a
FAQ?  Sorry, here there are only more questions. (Though see another
question for more on the hazards of that pesky word "real".)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*25. What are the "codes"?*

Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on s.s.b-b. What is it? It's a
tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of activities
you can indicate them by wearing a handkerchief in either your left or
right back pockets. The color indicates the activity; the side, the
preferred position (left is top, right is bottom). Some of the colors
are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you like to be
tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee), and black
for heavy SM (piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are many many
many more. I don't have a list handy.

Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or handcuffs--keys on the
left means you're a top, on the right means you're a bottom. It's all
just a way to signal your preferences in a public place.

Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring code" involving
earrings on the left/right/both/whatever.

If this is nowhere near enough detail for you, check out
{http://www.halcyon.com/elf/hankies.html} Elf's hanky code list.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?*

Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of SM worry that they
will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting
and golden showers.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

SM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make
love.  This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities.  No one I
know enjoys _everything_ on this list; _everyone_ has their own
preferences and levels of tolerance.  Some like bondage but dislike
pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy piercing but not
whipping; some like tickling and nothing else!

This means that negotiation is always important in SM; you never know
what someone's tastes will be until you ask.  It also means that
whatever your level, however hard the play that you enjoy, there are
people out there who share your tastes.  Be a dabbler or be a
lifestyler, or be anywhere in between!  And don't worry; the operative
word with all of these practices is _pleasure_.  If you don't like it,
you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!

Some people have fantasies about heavier SM trips than they would enjoy
in real life.  To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality.
It is well documented that many women have rape fantasies from time to
time; this does not mean that those women want to be raped.  SM can
involve playing on the edge between fantasy and reality, using that
fantasy energy to create something fantastically strong and passionate
in the real world; but this does not mean that fantasies are anything
but imagination, or that fantasies will become real without your
choosing to make them so.

If you feel that doing SM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe,
or make it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and
pride, those are excellent reasons to avoid doing SM--or at the very
least to only do those sorts of play that don't tear you down but
instead build you up.  SM is an intense form of relating, and not
everyone is ready for that; if you don't think you are, don't do it that
intensely--and if you're not sure, go slowly.  What's the rush? Do what
you honestly want to do, and what you feel ready for.

Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of
stuff they want to try.  They spend a year or two burning through the
checklist, having a great time, always desperate for the next
experience.  Then they get to the end of the list, and suddenly they
don't know what's next.  This can be a very empty feeling.  SM is not an
end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is ultimately
about relating, and about developing yourself.

If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means that you are
sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself
means you have less to worry about.  Trust your instincts.  SM is
nothing but opening up the the powerful energy within us all, and being
willing to experience that energy with and through others; it is
intimate and loving.  Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination
and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it
takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people involved
to create such a scene.  The more aware of Sex Magick you are, the
better a communicator and lover you will likely be--and you don't have
to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.

People who think that all BDSM behaviors are unhealthy or destructive
sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start off
by enjoying being spanked, but before long you'll be liking being
bruised, dismembered, flayed, and murdered!"  This is, simply,
ridiculous.  While many people do find their tolerance for pain
increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such effect, or even
have no interest in experimenting.  It seems that for most people, their
internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus which makes them hot, is
pretty much constant.  And certainly I know of no one practicing
consensual SM who perpetrates serious injury on their lovers.  The SM
scene is rife with information about how to inflict intense sensation
without causing permanent or unintended damage of any kind.  Recognize
these kinds of alarmist claims about BDSM as the scaremongering that
they are.

And finally, after all is said and done, you may _still_ have some
fantasies that you recognize as too intense or too contrary to your
nature to actually perform in a real-life scene.  This is quite common,
as well; we all have desires which we recognize are not safely
fulfillable.  Do not do anything that you feel you should not or cannot
do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least, if you do choose to
explore that desire, go very carefully and be prepared to back off if
you find your suspicions confirmed.  If it hurts not to fulfill the
desire, that's part of what maturity is about--rejecting desires that
pull you into things that are no good for you, while choosing that which
will affirm you.  And in any case, the process of introspecting, of
asking yourself what you want (and what you will permit yourself) and
why, can be vital to your growth and your sense of yourself.  Life is
change, and every choice carries _some_risk... decide for yourself what
path you want to walk.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*27. I want to throw a play party; how can I go about it?*

Occasionally on soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm^ ^there is a flurry of email
about some event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at
which many net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously
enjoyable things that transpired there. Then others around the country
post, wishing they lived out here too. Well, you don't have to live out
here to have a play party! What is a play party? A party where your
guests can (and hopefully will) play with each other! It can be as
simple as a backrub circle which turns into more intimate activity, or
it can be one person who gets clothespins applied to them while others
watch and contribute energy before going off into their own scenes, or
indeed anything at all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate
and share the pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is
a common interest in SM, that's convenient, as lots of things can be
initiated with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like it'd
feel good; also, if the guests have played with SM, they will understand
the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to respect
another's limits. Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This
makes the party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you are
to really be able to fully negotiate and communicate. Minimize video and
loud music; this causes people to interact with each other, which is the
whole point, rather than sit back and stay out of the action. (Good
party music can help set the mood, though.) Keep condoms, dental dams,
latex gloves, lube (water-based!), betadine (if piercers or cutters are
present), bleach (for cleaning toys), and paper towels handy; this makes
people aware that they can easily play safely--a matter of life and
death--as well as expressing the hosts' concern for the guests.
If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where people can
recline and play with each other); this lets the exhibitionists
exhibit, while the more private ones can be more private, and the heavy
players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles, etc.) without
freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have some knowledgeable
people take turns as safety monitors; if anything's going on that looks
unsafe or nonconsensual, give those people authority to take action.
Establish a party safeword (a great one is "Safeword!"). In general,
make your place into a safe space, a haven here people can unwind and
enjoy each other to whatever extent they want to, without feeling
pressured or uncomfortable. Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can,
try to get a group of people in your area together, and try to get
activities planned between parties--lunches, group shopping trips to
your local toy stores, movies, etcetera. It's hard to overcome the
barriers to trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact
with them, especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore,
things may not get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at
your first party. If there are a couple of exhibitionists to break the
ice, though, it helps; and as people get to know each other better and
get to be friends, it will increase the level of fun everyone will have!

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 31 July 1997
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*28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?*

The simplest way to fit in in a play party is to behave politely. There
will be people right in front of you who are doing very sexual things.
They are doing them for _their_ pleasure, not for yours. Stay away from
the action unless invited to participate-- and a glance in your
direction does not constitute an invitation.

The people who really interfere with the energy of a party are the
people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is taking place
in a semi-public context means that comments from the audience are okay
fine.  They're NOT.  The top in the scene is concentrating on the
bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly in a very private
mental space.  Neither the top nor the bottom will  appreciate being
yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or greeting.  If you want to
compliment them on something, WAIT UNTIL THE SCENE IS OVER and they're
circulating and being sociable again!  Interfering with a scene in
progress is inexcusably rude, and if I were dungeon-mastering I would
throw you out of the party for doing it.

Once you understand that scenes are private even though they're taking
place in public, the question then becomes, how can you watch without
detracting from the energy of the scene?

There definitely are people who interfere just by watching.  They've
been dubbed "energy vampires" in the past.  These people are watching
the action as though it was a porno movie--as though the intense magic
taking place in front of them was no more than a bad fuck flick where
the actress is half asleep.  They have no empathy, no sense of
connection to what's going on; they might as well be in a movie theater.

If you have the ability to watch what is happening with an open heart,
if you can pick up on the energy and send your own good wishes towards
the participants in the scene, you will be much more valuable as a
watcher.  Public players never object to an enthusiastic audience which
can appreciate the way they're playing!  An audience which values the
gift of being allowed to watch, and which contributes its goodwill
towards the play, can be a delight; an audience which watches without
giving and without connecting takes the life and spirit out of the
scene.  (And remember, a good audience does NOT make comments that the
players can hear--an audience doesn't interfere with the performance!)

You can be a part of the magic without playing yourself.  All it takes
is an honest enjoyment of what's happening combined with politeness and
tact.

If you _do_ want to play, and there's someone you want to play with, you
can ask--but be prepared to accept a "no, thanks" gracefully.  If you
are comfortable mingling and making small talk, you'll be more likely to
find someone with compatible desires--after all, everyone else there has
similar tastes!  There often will be rooms for heavy play and rooms for
hanging out and socializing; don't try to do one activity in the other
activity's space.

(It helps if you dress sexily, even if you're not playing--the more
leather and lace there is to look at, the better!)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?*

There are many people who post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm through
the wizvax Anonymous Posting Service, and many others who post from
pseudonymous accounts.  The reasons are obvious; "kinky sex" in our
society is stigmatized, and being openly interested in sexuality or
alternate sexual practices can result in personal and professional
consequences including losing one's job, losing one's friends, and if
child custody is involved, losing one's children.  Yes, in America
today, you can lose custody of your child if it becomes known that you
practice SM. (This is not merely anecdotal; people on the net have had
these things happen to them.)  Oral sex is a crime in some states! After
reading this FAQ, it (hopefully) should be clear how twisted this
situation is, when acts of love can be used as evidence of psychological
damage.

This is why many choose to write and post anonymously.  By using a
pseudonym, they can say what they want to say, while remaining free of
the nastiness that could ensue were their coworkers to discover their
interests.  Homosexuals know what it's like to be ostracized for their
romantic and sexual preferences; SM devotees are, in some ways, in the
same boat.  It's a strange world, where love is perceived as evil, and
beauty as ugliness....

Anonymous posters are not cowards.  The consequences I have outlined are
enough to make anyone question whether posting under their own name is
worthwhile.  Those who choose to do so are not necessarily so much
courageous as lucky--lucky to be able to be out, to declare their
lifestyles openly.  (Note that pseudonyms are sometimes used in
real-life situations, as well; there are many netters who go by their
net names even at social functions.)

This means that it is rude to inquire as to someone's actual identity if
they choose to use a pseudonym.  It is also rude to tell others of their
real name, if you somehow become privy to it, without first asking them;
they have entrusted you with something that they don't want commonly
known.  DON'T OUT SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED.  You yourself
may not need a net.name; that doesn't mean you can take others'
anonymity any less seriously than they themselves do. This goes for the
net and for real life.  If you meet someone at a party who you've known
from the net, they'll probably still want to be known under their net
name, and if you're writing about that party later, make sure you have
their permission before describing them or scenes in which they
participated (even if you use only their net name).

It is an open question whether the world would improve if everyone outed
themselves.  Some say that we need to get all kinky people out of the
closet, so everyone'll realize how many of us there are (and there are
many!).  Others, myself included, believe that everyone should be free
to choose how they want to live their life--including choosing to be
anonymous.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*30. Are SM people subjected to political or social harassment?*

Like all alternate sexualities, SM is stigmatized in many ways by most
of society. In extreme cases, SM players are prosecuted legally. or
persecuted by people who would _like_ to so prosecute them. This section
of the FAQ describes some of these ongoing battles. (See another
question for a brief mention of one recently-vanquished challenge.)
*The Spanner case*

First, the most serious anti-SM action in years: the Spanner case. In
Britain in 1992, sixteen men who had attended an SM party were convicted
of assault, despite the fact that everything that happened at the party
was fully consensual. The sentence was four to six years in prison.

The defendants appealed, and eventually reached the highest court in
Britain, which issued a judgment rife with the worst and most inaccurate
popular misconceptions about BDSM, ignoring everything that is now
widely known about how it is safe and consensual. This judgment is a
travesty of human rights, and flies blindly in the face of medical and
psychological fact, in favor of prejudicial ignorance.

The men involved are now pushing to take the case to the European court
of human rights. They need any and all assistance. An organization named
Countdown on Spanner was formed to pursue the appeal as far as
necessary.

Countdown on Spanner can be reached via Snail Mail; C/O Central Station
37 Wharfdale Road London N1 Great Britain Please include a SAE. Or
contact via e-mail: phas@siva.bris.ac.uk.  There is also a
{http://www.csv.warwick.ac.uk/~esrhi/span1.html} Spanner web page.
*Canadian censorship*

Another situation demanding attention is the censorship being practiced
by Canadian customs. Canada has no First Amendment, and Customs has been
seizing gay and lesbian erotica, especially SM-related material, and
preventing it from reaching bookstores in Canada. This arbitrary action
has made it very difficult for many of these bookstores to survive. The
Canadian government, via Customs, is silencing the voices of those who
want to talk about their sexuality.

Little Sisters Bookstore in Vancouver is suing Customs, asserting that
Customs should not have the right to seize books on suspicion of
obscenity. If the case is won, obscenity will have to be determined by
the courts, not by Customs. It is not at all certain that the case will
be won; a recent Supreme Court decision in Canada used language from
American anti-porn activist Catherine MacKinnon to define pornography as
material that is "violent" or "degrading" to women. Such laws can be
used to keep ANY SM-related material from ever being published--which is
exactly the intent. MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin have repeatedly pushed
for such legislation in the United States as well. The Canada case is
thus very relevant for Americans into SM.

If you can contribute, please write to Little Sisters Defense Fund, 1221
Thurlow Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada V6E 1X4. The case
will be expensive, and help is badly needed. *America*

America has its share of official pesecution of SM, though not so
seriously as in the Spanner case. SM clubs are still associated by the
media with unsafe sex, whether or not the club requires safe sex (as
almost all do). Of course, the current ignorance of consensual SM in
America leads to regular prosecution of people producing erotic
material, whether videos, magazines, or pictures. Legal fees from
obscenity proceedings brought by the government can put a small producer
or publisher out of business before the case ever comes to trial. For
example, movies involving bondage together with sex are essentially
censored in this country, because of such government action.

Most of all, learn for yourself about the realities of SM, as opposed to
the myths. And speak out against oppression born out of ignorance.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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*31. Aren't there too many topics on s.s.b-b?*

Every now and then, someone posts to s.s.b-b asking why there are so
many postings about some topic that's not straightforward bondage.
Wouldn't it be a good idea to split the group, so the {gays/heavy
players/people into whipping} could go off and be by themselves? Wasn't
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm created for the purpose of discussing
bondage?

The answers are no and no. s.s.b-b was created in response to a joke
that turned serious. The group has no explicit charter, and no set of
guidelines as to what is and is not appropriate.

What s.s.b-b has evolved into (and actually has always been) is, as the
intro to this FAQ states, a group for discussing "ways to have sex that
are outside the mainstream". This is an awfully wide description. There
is room underneath it for discussing everything from "how do I tie
someone up?" to "how can I play with razors safely?" to "what's it like
to love someone of your sex?"

The inevitable consequence of this is that people sometimes get exposed
to material that squicks them. That's life in the big net. There is no
guarantee that everything on s.s.b-b will suit your personal interests.
The general rule of the net applies here in spades: if you don't like
it, hit "n" and ignore it. It's guaranteed that there are many many out
there who _do_ like it. Remember, limits are relative; many of the
"heavy players" you read about started as novices themselves, and
the person who just described their intense whipping scene may be unable
to handle even the lightest tickling... food for thought!

I just finished reading a few stories about nonconsensual rape and
sadistic murder that were posted netwide. I personally disliked those
stories. Do I think they're appropriate for s.s.b-b? Not really. Can I
stop them from being posted? Nope. Can I ignore them? Hell yes.
Remember, a story is a fantasy that someone bothered to write down...
and fantasies can't hurt anybody--if you don't like it, ignore it! That
is certainly more productive than flaming the person who wrote it.

Can the ferment of different topics and views on s.s.b-b degenerate into
chaos? Yes, and it sometimes does. But more frequently, the mixing of
interests and ideas generates a really wonderful dialogue out of which
new knowledge and fantasy is born. Novices pipe up with questions that
spark an insightful reply by an old-timer. Old-timers post about some
experience that gets lurkers' juices flowing everywhere. Someone who
knows a lot about one kind of play tries something new and posts about
it.

s.s.b-b works, like no other group I know of on the net. So don't be too
hasty with that "n" key... you might learn something!

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 14 November 1995
=======================================================================
Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is wonderful;
treasure it and nourish it!

Contents copyright (c) 1992-1997 by Rob Jellinghaus.  Redistribution of
this FAQ or portions thereof from soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm to any
online or offline publication requires permission of the author
(robj@unrealities.com).  Copies for individual use are OK.
-- 
Rob Jellinghaus   robj@unrealities.com   http://www.unrealities.com/robj